The cold hard glass presses against the surface of my bottom lip as I pause for a moment before slowly tilting the glass upwards, the liquid within splashing upon my teeth and hitting my palate with a jolt of cold freshness.
The liquid slides down my throat, warming my senses as it slithers to my belly within. It reaches it's soothing touch upwards to the stress central point of the brain and wraps it within it's reassuring arms as I close my eyes and exhale.
A drink....I have not had an alcholic drink in at least a year..maybe two or three. I stood in the liqour stoor 3 hours before looking for what seemed a lifetime at the choices before me before choosing an old favourite in a new bottle.
Smirnoff Vodka + 2x Rasberry Soda bottles.
As I sit here tonight within the deathly silent house I raise a glass to my life. To my pathetic and hellish like life right now, a week into the seperation of the century! 16 long and excrutiating years I have put up with the escalating abuse, verbal - emotional and near on physical abuse from the person who was supposed to love me.
16 long fucking years of being told I was hopeless and useless. Of being blamed for every little bloody thing that ever went wrong in his life.
16 long long years of torture which took the strong woman of yesteryear and turned her into a shadow of a human being. Merely functioning for function sake with not an ounce of self confidence, self dignity or soul left to dance in the rain with. Left to warm others....without a bit of love for self therefore void of truly loving another.
6 years of betrayals.
6 years of being told what a horribly shit mother she is! 6 years of listening to her children begin to hear the same untruths about themselves from the man who only felt whole if he was putting someone else down.
A week into this gig and I lift the first drink I have had in years, a raspberry vodka to my lips, I pump the sound system loud and I say a toast....to freedom....to escaping even if not fully yet out of his grasp, but of escaping the everyday abuse of him.....
Bottoms Up...
