Sitting in the centrelink office surrounded by people and 'ding' goes my phone. It is him.
"When will you be ready to talk do you think?", he asks. As much as I hate the waiting I am also dreading the talk yet again where he professes how much effort he has made and how much he has changed and I again need to say that it is over for me and cannot be any other way. I then will sit and wait for the nastiness to start...maybe I am wrong, maybe there will be no nastiness....maybe...
I answer I am not ready. End of the month I say. And then my name is called...
I had a bad week. It was emotionally draining going back to work. First day was dreadful after barely any sleep and listening to other people discuss their holidays was nice but also a little too much for me. Oh how I longed to have carefree holidays as they had had. Overseas trips, mini getaways...fun times. As much fun as I put on for the kids these past holidays there were also many many horrible moments at night, all alone and emotionally exhausting moments. Days and days and days of barely any sleep tumbling into one another..night after night of nightmares and dreams which zap whatever energy that could be built up through slumber.
I have over-committed myself to do too much again I am believing. On the holidays I signed up for a writing course which I had one a voucher for. I thought I could do it all. Plan for the term, work at work, work at home, parent, go through a seperation and also do a writing course. I think I was wrong. For the life of me I cannot tell you where the nights of last week went! I cannot remember what I did at all. Other than feed the children, do the dishes, some washing...read books and tend to sleep disturbances in everyone I have no idea what my nights were filled with. One thing I know is that they were not filled with reading the course material nor doing the assignment.
The week before I even forgot about it totally until the day after week 2s assignment was due. Today I have two to do and have not touched them, spending the time instead preparing materials for work which I did not get to on the holidays. I will not have a chance to do them tonight...I think that this is going to be something which will go on the backburner....thankfully I did not pay the money out on it...although I did pay out someones.
How can it all seem to be too hard?
I was going so well this weekend. I ran the children all over town yesterday before dropping them off with their Dad. Then I came home and cleaned like a mad woman. I learnt how to clean out the aquarium filter! Go me! :) and then I vacuumed and mopped and then I coloured my hair and read my book, finally falling into exhaustive sleep at 1am.
I awoke at 8am and got to work on the computer. I had a photo shoot this morning and it was so much fun. I felt in control and important and 'happy'. After that I went and bought notebooks for the students at school before returning home and starting to plan for work. I had finished two things on my list when it happened.
It came out of nowhere. One minute I was working away happily and the next it hit me. I couldn't concentrate on what I was doing, I couldn't find any comfort nor enthusiasm for it and so I closed it down. I missed my children so insanely much that I could not function. I missed my old life. Oh how stupid, you might be thinking...but it is true. I miss them running around and making noise and I miss the idea of my husband being here. I am right now though thinking about what it would have been like in reality and I know that i would have felt insanely guilty for being on the computer and not doing the housework instead (the kids rooms need to be cleaned up) . I would have been given a hard time for leaving this morning to take the photos. I would have not gone and bought the books because I would have been worried about what he would say about me spending that money on them and questioning why I need to do that in my time? He would have been coming in and looking over my shoulder to see what I was doing and questioning whether I was doing work or stuffing around on the computer. He would have interrupted me a million times with things that were important to him.
It is so quiet in this house right now...so deafeningly quiet that it is making my ears pound! I long to leave and run far away and surround myself with people....chattering, laughing people...noise of which the background sound of music or the t.v will not fill no matter how hard I try to make it.
I have been living grandeous dreams this week. Trying to make things happen to better my own and my childrens futures and I am exhausted from it all. :( . I am lonely.
The moment when I get to pick those little cherubs up and wrap them in my arms can not come soon enough! :(
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