For each little thing that I have had to take over that my husband did before there has been a moment of hurt, a moment of reality that things have drastically changed in my life. Due to the way we ran before this, ie, me doing everything there have not been many of these moments, infact the only one that comes to mind is doing the rubbish and putting out the bins.
But tomorrow marks the start of the fourth term of school, my return to work and the kids return to school. Holidays are over and our routine begins once more. But it doesn't really...because our routine is completely different now. There is no miracle that is going to occur of the dinner being started before I arrive home from work, because there is noone here to do that.....actually I say it is a miracle because it was rarely done so I wont miss it all that much.
In fact there really isn't in a physical sense all that much that will be different between this and every other in our married life.
Returning to work though will be different. I had a nightmare last night that we had a fill in Art teacher who had taught all my Year 4's a song to sing to the school community which was all about helping me and holding me up while I deal with...and then they sang all the things that I have going on in my life that they never knew about. I questioned her and she said she found it all on my blog. Thankfully they sang it for the first time at a staff rehearsal and not to the parents. I then had the task of writing my version of my depression and my seperation to the staff so that they knew the truth...I literally had to bare my soul to all the people I worked with. It was humiliating and felt as though they were seeing me naked..like the naked to school dreams only ten times worse. Upon waking I felt as though I had not slept....tired and grumpy I began to evaluate the dream and I think that it comes from the realisation that some people at work know about my separation and others do not. The ones who do will ask, as others have over the holidays, how I am doing? this will not always be discreet and so eventually more and more people will find out. I am also not wearing my wedding or engagement rings. After the nightmare I had the other night I could not bare to look at them so they are put away. I have thoughts about maybe putting them back on so my cluey girls in my room don't cotton on/ notice and ask questions but then I really don't think that I can.
Tomorrow will bring with it the reality that this is the new normal for us. A life of school and work where it is just the kids and me. It is different and it is scary..because when life returns to routine then normalcy sets in and this will be a new normal. A better, yet harder normal. We will be ok....we will right?
Have you ever scooped the insides of a kiwi fruit and been left with only the peeling, an empty shell? that is what I feel like today. I feel incredibly hollow, so incredibly alone and lonely. No amount of laughing with the kids, hugging and kissing them is enough to take this feeling away. It is horrible. I am not lonely for what I had...I am lonely for what I never had. The silence in the house is deafening.
The sounds of my new normal...
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