When the kids go to bed in the dark of night, I allow my mind to open and think and ponder and struggle. To fight the dark thoughts, to fight the demons, to deal with those feelings and things which I cannot ponder in the light of day. In the light of day I aneed to be present, to make breakfast, lunch and dinner and snacks inbetween. To play games, stop fights, bathe babies and have fun. To soothe hearts a little broken and wipe tears from faces, read books, watch Barbie and build Lego together. I need to be there, in the moments, running or observing the moments. No chance, no opening to think or to ponder..no room.
I realised this morning that I never blog in the light of day, with the kids present and so I am painting the picture of a sombre depressing life with no light, no hope, no good in the moments after the end of the marraige. The end of the abuse...sort of....not quite yet. So here I am .
I woke this morning with beautiful cherubs beside me snoozing as they had wandered in at some point during the night. After making their breakfast I began to clean up...toys everywhere. As I sat on the floor I realised that it really doesn't matter where we are living, it doesn't matter if I have to rent...it doesn't matter. Now this thought changes throughout the day. Sometimes I feel so sick and sad to even think about leaving here and allowing someone else to live here, others I couldn't care less. I think that the main positive to leaving here is that I would be severing the tie to my husband. I would be taking away the control. He would have no control whatsoever on a new house that I get in my name. That I furnish and decorate. Not sharing a mortgage with him would take away a large substantial portion of the control that he has over me.
I have found a place close to the kids school and I will be arranging to see it soon. It may be early to look but then it accepts pets, is in my price range and is new. It is nice and small enough to not be as overwhelming to maintain as here and it has a large backyard (going by the description) . The kids can still play outside, they can be near friends, we can start again.
I was talking with a friend yesterday who I have known for eyars and years. I actually met her through my husband and we became great friends. She knows all that has happened, she has watched it from the early days and over the last few years we have grown apart, not seeing or even speaking to each other very much at all. She knows though and sends me messages a few times a week to see how I am. Our friendship is the kind that can be picked up and be as strong as ever or be left for a year and not diminish. She asked yesterday...how are things going with him?
To answer that question is complicated but let me just say that things are definitely not good. The last time we spoke, after I tried to make him understand it was over and he tried to tell me that to him it is not and after I listened to all the wonderful things he has done to change and he didn't listen to the fact that that doesn't change my mind then things got passive aggresively nasty! It came back to what it always does, and in a few separate moments of anger and frustration he proved my suspicions that he has not changed at all! He says he doesn't get angry, he says he cares and loves me, he says he is sorry for what he did...
Then he said he lied about what he did, then he blamed me for being a cold bitch and not helping him or trying to fix things, he accused me of having it made and leaving him with nothing...no house, no family he can't even have any more kids. Little things thrown in to sting and it is those things said in the frustration and anger which are the truths! He cares nothing for me, he only cares about the fact that he has lost everything! He has lost the slave he had. He has lost the house and the appearance that life is awesome. He has lost the right to lord over us all daily...he must be exhausted trying so damn hard to prove that he has changed while living with his family that he longs to come back home and reloax and continue on the same abusive pattern he has always been on. His call....it totally destroyed me! My parents came to take over with the kids and I completely fell apart.
The next few days were the worst. As I gave my friends space and didn't reach out, gave them their lives back...as I sat in the silence and I felt sick and thoughts about that conversation wafted through my mind I fell harder and harder down. I felt worthless and frustrated that he had undone all the hard work to build myself up that I had spent the last few weeks doing.
In a moment of sorrow and loneliness I had the thought that perhaps I didn't deserve anything better? I wasn't worth anything better and I was supposed to just take him back and suffer through it? That having him here would be better than being alone, even if it meant I was killing any vestige of myself and my selfworth by doing so...
But no....the moment passed and I realised that I don't owe him anything! I can take the blame if that is what it takes (and it will be what it takes!) . I can be the bitch in the situation and I can take whatever torture he will dish out from afar as long as it means in the long run that I am free of him. I am free of ever feeling the way he made me feel daily, the way he made me feel when I hung up that phone!
So...that's where I am at..moments of clarity in which I am ready to move forward and move on! mixed with moments of intense sadness and hollowness where I am lost and unsure what to do, mixed with moments of abuse still being slung upon me...all the while putting on the strong hat, the incontrol and protection hat for my children to get them through as pain free as possible.
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