A week or so ago they erected a new, large sign on the road I travel down everyday to take the kids to school and pick them up. It is advertising the site for a future Primary and Secondary school only three streets across from our house.
This school has always been on the plans for this area. It is a proposed government school and when we bought the land and were making life long plans it was going to be the school that we would move the kids to the minute it opened. Heck, I was even thinking of going for a job there! It was walking distance from home ( 5 minutes walk) and would go right up to Year 12. Perfect!
This compounded with the kids love of our backyard for the first time ever since being here has caused a panic attack to take hold tonight worse than i have ever suffered before!
As the silence has gone on I have found that my own self confidence and strength has grown. No longer am I gripped with fear but instead there is mostly a surity of self as his voice begins to leave my mind. I no longer have someone telling me how useless I am. When the dishes sit there overnight I am not gripped with fear waiting for the reprimand. It annoys me but it is also ok with me to leave the housework if I am sick or really tired or other things are more important at the time. I am able to put my health and the kids health and needs before the things that need to be done around the house. I am able to shower them with love and not yell at them anymore.
This house has changed drastically and it is wonderful. When they spill things, when my youngest throws things as a 3 yr old does, he is beginning to not quake in his boots as much as he used to. They say sorry instantly and explain what happened and we fix it together. There is no yelling, no blaming or shaming...just fixing it and comforting and talking about it. I am not saying that we are perfect, far from it. I still have moments where I lose it, the kids still have moments too but the difference is that instantly we can apologise, explain it away (I can by openly telling them I am sorry and that I am tired, etc) and we are developoing an understanding of each other and that sometimes bad things happen which don't make us bad people. The expectation of perfection is beginning to be shed and it is such a gigantic relief.
I feel as though I am slowly finding myself again. I have built up some wonderful friendships and support over the last 5 weeks. I have culled many on my facebook friends list to the point where I feel comfortable saying if I need to that I Am not coping. That things hurt or suck and gaining support from those who are still there. Beautiful, lovely people, some of who I have never met, who are there for me if I need it. I have been silent and not shared with people and still they reach out and support. My brother and sil gave me the biggest hug on the weekend, the first time i had seen or talked to them since it went down. They do not know all that was involved, but they love me and the kids and will support me in whatever I need. Accepting that at the moment I am keeping to myself alot, just as long as I know that they are there then they are happy. Family friends who offer a hug and comfort and just words of love....it is so incredibly comforting and touching to know there are so many people out there that care.
It doesn't stop the heartaching loneliness that still hits at night several nights a week and takes my breath away. That infiltrates my dreams and turns them to nightmares. It doesn't take that away, but it sure does help.
I know that i am healing and growing a little stronger because I am thinking of me and how to help and take care of me. One of my best friends used to say to me, near the end of my relationship and in my dark and down days, "look after yourself" and I used to wonder how in the hell that was possible?! When I was in such a terrible position, constantly put down and putting myself down, facing constant negativity and verbal abuse, protecting the kids and myself by always being on the ball and stopping it before it started, how could I then look after myself? You cannot look after something that you don't give a stuff about! :( .
Now though I do give a stuff. I started to think of my diet. I already have given up caffeine (well except the small amount in chocolate) and am cutting down on sugar in my tea. I don't have dairy and I was thinking the other day that perhaps I could go back to low g.i and sugar free soon. I know it will make me feel better and I realised when I thought of it that I deserve to feel better. It has been many years since I have felt like I 'deserve' to feel good. I was seriously thinking of doing tai chi and exercising once more to boost my adrenaline and energy and hormone levels in my body.
I haven't started yet on any of these, but the fact that I thought of doing these things not because I should but because soon I think that I will want to and enjoy doing it is a gigantic step for me. I was thinking of face and body creams and looking after my appearance. I cut my fringe, which changed my hairstyle for the first time in over 8 years at least! It has made a massive difference to the way I look and feel about myself. As those long strands of hair fell it was as though I was shedding a skin!
So although I am still struggling at times I find that those times aren't as frequent as a few weeks ago.
But lets get back to that panic attack...
It is over this house and whether I can stay here with my children or not. It will be a struggle financially no doubt about it and I would rather be able to do it without having to rely on my ex at all. Ie, child payment contributions from him. I do not want to ever be indebted to him again. If I am relying on the payments from him and he uses those payments as a method of control over me then I am no better off than I was when married. In order to move forward I need to do it on my own and see any payments that he does provide as a bonus for our children. Money to go towards continuing their sports and recreations.
I have a shocking cold right now which exemplifies this feeling of dread I'\m feeling and my worry levels. Looking at market prices in this area, an area which I love for it's many parks, terrific riding tracks and edge of suburbia living, schools and shopping in close proximity...etc for me to downsize to a smaller house here I would be still having a mortgage of around this size! It seems crazy to do that when I have a big block here with a terrific backyard for sustainibility and the kids to play in safely. The house is too big for us I feel but then perhaps I can use the extra room inside to my advantage somehow? I was thinking of maybe a photography studio set up in the future or even getting a boarder....although that idea frightens me considerably because of all we have been through.
I have options available to me like moving back home with my parents and saving up for a year or so and then buying again but I will be honest and say I am really worried that I will not be earning enough to get a loan on my own at that point anyway, despite having a substantial deposit. I also worry about the strain living in cramped conditions will put on my children and my parents.
Then again I would not be able to transfer this loan to my name at the level it is at right now either, and I would need to buy my hubby out I am assuming?
Over and over again I go over the figures in my head, try and search out something that I might have forgotten which would bring in more money or bring down the cost of living and I will have a win and think, "Yes, I can stay" and then I will think of something else which rules it out.
The thing that I think is stopping me from moving the most is my youngest son. I have fears that he is autistic and am taking the road to having him assessed. He has just started a few months previously in a childcare centre he is doing brilliantly in. He barely talks to his workers, and it took months for him to open up to the ladies he has had since 6 months old. He does not like new sitiuations at all. If I move to my parents then I will need to move his childcare to closer to them as they live in a completely different area. I am terrified (no really! so insanely worried about this!) about how he will cope with this. His behaviour has dramatically decreased in coping since the separation and I feel many days that he is teetering on the edge of losing it completely. If I was to change not only the place he lives but then also the childcare centre he loves to all new people and surroundings then I fear and believe that he will degress considerably developmentally, socially and emotionally.
That sign...when I drive past that sign each and every bloody day I am reminded of the dream I had for our family and our children and the thought runs through my mind....can I still give them that dream? how the hell will I make it all alright and provide the kind of life for them and future for them I imagined on one wage and all alone? How....how.....how?
It makes my heart beat increase and my breathing become shallow just thinking and worrying about it
:(
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